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It's personally a word I avoid at all costs. I'm not good with goodbyes, goodbyes are forever. They are.. So defining. I never said goodbye.. I never will. I never could.. Because no matter how strong you thought I was and no matter what you knew about me or know about me or ever thought you knew - My friends are my weaknesses. They both make me strong and tear me down with a frightening ease.
If you've ever.. Stepped foot into my house - you are officially a member of my family. I trust you, I care for you; hell, I love you. And losing you would bring down the pillars of my world. Shoot my legs right out from under me. I can only be strong because I know you are there.
I'm crumbling like the pyramids at Giza. Like the Parthenon.
Soon - some half assed restoration project will begin - an attempt at rebuilding the beauty and splendor of what once was. It will never be the same. I won't, you wont, we won't. Our pieces will be replaced, but they'll be cracked and butted, old against new. All that's been corroded or destroyed will marry the innocent beauty of a scar that can't quite tell you how it got there.
What do we... Do without you? We go on living, go to work, school. We draw, we play music, we smoke and drink coffee and ride around in cars and kick it at the park. We remember... And there's a hole - a void in those things now that you filled. No calk, no stone, no person, no place or thought can rectify or fill this hole.
I feel so small. Not small in the sense of.. It's a big universe, blah blah.. But small as in it didn't matter how much I loved you, or how much we loved you. Love could not save you. Love can not bring you back to us.
I'd give the world to you if it'd give me one more movie, sneaking into your parents house and stealing your pj's, cuddling up on your sqeaky ass bed. Discussing music and love and plans for the future and gymnastics and parents and family and the world at large. I'd give the world to say, " hey, I love you. " I'd give it for one more jam session, one last time to hear you wail on the guitar. One last cup of coffee, one last cigarette. One last joke, one last hug. To see one last smile or hear one more laugh. Just one more moment to nuzzle your star. To be in your orbit. You had charisma greater than any star out there.
Now that you're gone.. You get to see all the most intimate details of the lives of the people you loved, and that loved you. You get to see us when we're alone. You get to be free, to jam out and no can tell you to keep it down. You can do whatever you want now. And hey - up there, lovie - don't feel lonely. We're all gonna' be there someday. Take the time to know the ropes so we don't feel so lost when we go too, ok? There's an angel up there.. I told you about her. Find her, she'll take care of you.
I love you. I miss you. I'm both sorry, and I forgive you.
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